I had originally planned a totally
different post for this chapter of the series but the T-Rex that lives in my
uterus threw me for a loop. I’m thankful for the unfertilized egg at this time
in my life but sans existential crisis would be nice. Now that you know me on that level, I realized something
recently, which seems stupidly ignorant of me since I go through this every
month. I question whether I’m crazy for trying to make a living as a creative entrepreneur
at least once a month, with or without my lower half bleeding. I can only speak
for myself but it sure as hell isn’t an “I’m-so-passionate-about-my-dreams-forever-and-always-rainbows-lollipops-unicorn”
type deal. Does that mean I’m not as passionate about my dreams? In the eyes of
others, maybe. In mine, absolutely not. I would like to think I care enough
about it not to shit the bed before I’ve even made it which is why I end up in
this torturous emotional state on a regular basis. Silver lining though, the
more it happens, the faster I’m able to talk myself out of it. This time
around, I had a little help from a close friend of mine.
So, a couple days ago, I messaged said
friend saying, “I’m having one of those days where I think I’m crazy for
pursuing music.” Those of you who’ve done this exact thing are probably nodding
and saying, “Aw shiet, gurlllllll. You ain’t alone, sweet pea.” Well…okay,
maybe not saying that exact thing because my inner monologue is a bit of an
embarrassment. But, despite what you may think, I wasn’t fishing for
compliments. Thankfully, I didn’t get any in return. Instead, I was given some
sound advice. My friend Alex (who is a wonderful DJ, producer, and musician by the way, so
click HERE if you need a treat for your eyes, click HERE if you want a
treat for your ears, and click HERE if you want to book him), he told me that a little while ago, he made a list of all
the other things he could possibly pursue as a career. Anything that he’s
interested in. He said I should make my own list so that pursuing my dreams
became a choice, not something that I was stuck with. In which I answered, “I
don’t know how to do anything else.” It was the first lie I unknowingly told in
a while. I hate lying, unknowingly or not. I know I have other interests, and I
could do something else but my
uterine lining was making me painfully hopeless and dramatic (thank you, Aunt
Flo, for breaking my streak). I didn’t make this list (sorry, Tribe LOL) but I
did contemplate all the other things that I could possibly do. I tried
imagining myself doing all these other things but after a long sulk and some
singing, I couldn’t picture myself being happier than when I made music and
performed.
For as long as I can remember, I jokingly
told people I didn’t really have a choice in my career path. Half joke, half self-imposed
truth. Unlike my fellow Asian kin, I wasn’t forced into piano lessons at a
young age. I asked for them. My mom’s a singer, my dad’s a musician, and most
of their friends are singers or musicians so quite literally from birth, both
music and performance were a constant in my life, whether I was in the
audience, backstage, or on stage. So, I came to the conclusion that I didn’t
have a choice because I didn’t know anything else. Music and performance was
just a way of life for me. Except it wasn’t. I asked for piano lessons. I CHOSE
to take piano lessons. At three. AT THREE YEARS OLD, FFS (I won’t judge you if
you need to Google FFS quickly, cross my heart). And then at the age of
fourteen, I chose again to pursue music as a career. So then why did I feel
like I didn’t have a choice? Because I forgot why I made this choice. I forgot why I chose to perform and make music.
Alex sent me this great TED Talk by Simon
Sinek (CLICK). He talks about how some of the greatest minds of our generation focused
on why they did it, not what they did. I’m paraphrasing terribly but if you’re
in a rut, I highly HIGHLY recommend watching this. Hell, even if you’re not,
WATCH IT. Simon Sinek is unbelievably insightful. He has such a brilliant and
mesmeric way of speaking that automatically connects with you. Anyway, after
watching this, I was dumbfounded, shook, and ready to ugly cry. I always knew
the why. I never forgot. I just lost sight of it. A T-Rex chomping on your lady
innards can do that to you. Life chipping away at you bit by bit can also do
that to you. So, I will declare here and now, for whenever I question my
purpose, whether self-induced or biologically induced, why I do what I do. I
chose to make music and perform to connect with people. To be the voice that
someone may need in their life. To take people away from their troubles, if
only briefly. To reach out to someone who may need it at that exact moment. To
make people feel human with the emotions that we’re meant to feel, not shun and
ignore. I have only recently begun appreciating all of our emotions for what
they are because we are beautiful with them and magically, music is the one
thing that connects us universally. I couldn’t imagine a better way to spend my
life. I’ll try not to forget. That’s a promise.
Until next time,
Stay bold and beautifully weird.
