I had originally planned a totally different post for this chapter of the series but the T-Rex that lives in my uterus threw me for a loop. I’m thankful for the unfertilized egg at this time in my life but sans existential crisis would be nice. Now that you know me on that level, I realized something recently, which seems stupidly ignorant of me since I go through this every month. I question whether I’m crazy for trying to make a living as a creative entrepreneur at least once a month, with or without my lower half bleeding. I can only speak for myself but it sure as hell isn’t an “I’m-so-passionate-about-my-dreams-forever-and-always-rainbows-lollipops-unicorn” type deal. Does that mean I’m not as passionate about my dreams? In the eyes of others, maybe. In mine, absolutely not. I would like to think I care enough about it not to shit the bed before I’ve even made it which is why I end up in this torturous emotional state on a regular basis. Silver lining though, the more it happens, the faster I’m able to talk myself out of it. This time around, I had a little help from a close friend of mine.

So, a couple days ago, I messaged said friend saying, “I’m having one of those days where I think I’m crazy for pursuing music.” Those of you who’ve done this exact thing are probably nodding and saying, “Aw shiet, gurlllllll. You ain’t alone, sweet pea.” Well…okay, maybe not saying that exact thing because my inner monologue is a bit of an embarrassment. But, despite what you may think, I wasn’t fishing for compliments. Thankfully, I didn’t get any in return. Instead, I was given some sound advice. My friend Alex (who is a wonderful DJ, producer, and musician by the way, so click HERE if you need a treat for your eyes, click HERE if you want a treat for your ears, and click HERE if you want to book him), he told me that a little while ago, he made a list of all the other things he could possibly pursue as a career. Anything that he’s interested in. He said I should make my own list so that pursuing my dreams became a choice, not something that I was stuck with. In which I answered, “I don’t know how to do anything else.” It was the first lie I unknowingly told in a while. I hate lying, unknowingly or not. I know I have other interests, and I could do something else but my uterine lining was making me painfully hopeless and dramatic (thank you, Aunt Flo, for breaking my streak). I didn’t make this list (sorry, Tribe LOL) but I did contemplate all the other things that I could possibly do. I tried imagining myself doing all these other things but after a long sulk and some singing, I couldn’t picture myself being happier than when I made music and performed.

For as long as I can remember, I jokingly told people I didn’t really have a choice in my career path. Half joke, half self-imposed truth. Unlike my fellow Asian kin, I wasn’t forced into piano lessons at a young age. I asked for them. My mom’s a singer, my dad’s a musician, and most of their friends are singers or musicians so quite literally from birth, both music and performance were a constant in my life, whether I was in the audience, backstage, or on stage. So, I came to the conclusion that I didn’t have a choice because I didn’t know anything else. Music and performance was just a way of life for me. Except it wasn’t. I asked for piano lessons. I CHOSE to take piano lessons. At three. AT THREE YEARS OLD, FFS (I won’t judge you if you need to Google FFS quickly, cross my heart). And then at the age of fourteen, I chose again to pursue music as a career. So then why did I feel like I didn’t have a choice? Because I forgot why I made this choice. I forgot why I chose to perform and make music.

Alex sent me this great TED Talk by Simon Sinek (CLICK). He talks about how some of the greatest minds of our generation focused on why they did it, not what they did. I’m paraphrasing terribly but if you’re in a rut, I highly HIGHLY recommend watching this. Hell, even if you’re not, WATCH IT. Simon Sinek is unbelievably insightful. He has such a brilliant and mesmeric way of speaking that automatically connects with you. Anyway, after watching this, I was dumbfounded, shook, and ready to ugly cry. I always knew the why. I never forgot. I just lost sight of it. A T-Rex chomping on your lady innards can do that to you. Life chipping away at you bit by bit can also do that to you. So, I will declare here and now, for whenever I question my purpose, whether self-induced or biologically induced, why I do what I do. I chose to make music and perform to connect with people. To be the voice that someone may need in their life. To take people away from their troubles, if only briefly. To reach out to someone who may need it at that exact moment. To make people feel human with the emotions that we’re meant to feel, not shun and ignore. I have only recently begun appreciating all of our emotions for what they are because we are beautiful with them and magically, music is the one thing that connects us universally. I couldn’t imagine a better way to spend my life. I’ll try not to forget. That’s a promise.

Until next time,

Stay bold and beautifully weird.

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